avatar is princess mononoke

i love you james cameron!!!!!!!

was that loud enough? did you get that? i won't pretend i'm too artsy for eye candy.

avatar kicks ass. in 3D at least. who knows how shit the movie is in 2D. besides, who cares. 2D we can do at home.

Neytiri in 3D guys. three-fucking-dee.

look. i can't help it. i like big blockbuster eye candy movies. (i like thinky movies also, but those i can weep to in the comfort of my own home.) when i go to the big screen i want visual stimulation that will tickle my cerebral cortex to the point of sensual apoplexy.

this is why i like cameron, bruckheimer, del toro and jackson on the big screen.

(and, also, i like eating a bucket of popcorn with salt and vinegar sprinkles.)

me watching avatar in three dee. but without the beard.

i walked out of avatar feeling like i'd been on an adventure. a big fuck-off hollywood budget feel-good fantasy roller coaster of WOW. i felt friggin awesome.

which is why i was so disappointed to read a review by shaun de waal in the m&g afterwards poo-pooing it as a formulaic piece of twoddle.

there's no doubt that avatar's story is as old as the hills (which story isn't?), it's just a pity that his points are couched in such a formulaic and utterly predictable reviewer's argument.

blockbuster + CGI + story line no 23 = bad

arthouse/indie + gritty film + story line no 23 = good

maybe he needed to make up the word count and was too lazy and unimaginative to say to something that wasn't typical of his clever profession.

see, here's the thing: the baddies versus goodies OR aggressive westerners versus helpless 'natives' OR relentless capitalism versus socialism pitch IS actually still a relevant story line, however blah its put across (just all the better if its pretty and in THREE-FRIKKIN-DEE).

it's a relevant story because our tiny human minds are still grappling with the concept of ownership and greed and domination. it's a relevant story line because millions of children don't know this yet and have not been jaded by the same plot and characters we've been subjected to.

and really, the children are our future etc etc so isn't it best to wow them with how kak we can be now and hopefully one turns to be an environmental messiah. it has to be emotionally manipulative, see, because that's the only way our ADD generation buys into anything.

anyway. as for old story lines...

i wonder what those that slated avatar for its 'poor' story would say about princess mononoke.

princess mononoke is a ghibli house production; the same guys that brought us the much loved spirited away.

there are many parallels between avatar and princess mononoke.

in avatar the americans use guns to grab land from the na'vi to mine a precious metal

in PM Lady Eboshi and her loyal clan use guns to gain dominance over the forest to mine lead

in avatar the humans (americans) care little for the natural balance of the world they're invading and the tree hugging hippie natives

in PM Lady Eboshi (and basically every adult) cares little for the natural balance of the world she's invading and the gods she's hoping to wipe out

in avatar an outsider, Jake, works as an intermediary and tries to save the forest and its people but first he must gain the trust of the clan and neytiri

in PM an outsider, ashitaka, works as an intermediary and tries to save the forest but first he must gain the trust of princess mononoke, a wild women who lives with the wolf gods

in avatar they must kill the tree to break the Na'vi's strength to gain control of the forest's riches

in PM they must kill the forest god to kill the forest and gain control of its riches

in avatar little white jellyfish-like apparitions are signs of the goddess eywa

in PM little white apparitions are signs of the spirit of the forest

the list could go on... difference is, i'm sure the likes of de waal wold rave about PM simply because its left of hollywood's centre.

anyway. point is, i thought avatar was awesomeness and tire of convos very quickly where people try to be clever about what the movie should or shouldn't have been to be considered good.

in my books, it set out to be a pretty piece of bling with a somewhat relevant story and it did just that. ergo:good movie. see, i stick to the theory that if a movie/song/album/book achieves well what it set out to do, it's a good piece of work. regardless of whether i personally enjoy it. francis bacon? good. of course. do i enjoy his work and want to look at it all the time? no. it makes me feel bad and uncomfortable. (is that what makes it good?)

thinky enough for you?

anyway. sometimes i think we should just get over our cleverness.

i'm black. blacker than black in 2010.

a few weeks ago i decided i needed a little break from trying to be relevant. it gets tiresome. i dropped the w24 column for a month, stopped blogging, didn't pick up any other writing and stopped twittering.

i didn't follow other blogs and didn't check news sites, entertainment channels and what other columnists were up to. i didn't pick up a newspaper (except for M&G's last issue of 2009 which was totally cool) or a magazine (at least south african ones because they generally suck. except the YOU book, which is just the bomb).

surprisingly, my world did not come to an end. (although i'm sure my ratings and readership did - i've yet to check the stats.)

with all the spare time i wanked a lot, fucked a lot, read a lot and baked cookies. i also spent an inordinate amount of time on my favourite beach.

god smiled on me.

naturally, with all this time on my hands i spared a few moments for thinking deep, thinky thoughts. i won't bore you with all of them, but i'll list a few that stuck out.

1. drug dealers just don't trust me. i don't know what it is. doesn't matter who's referred me and what reassurances they've given, they just don't trust me. wtf.
2. i fucking CHANNEL martha sterwart when i make flapjacks. even b agrees. (check out food24 for the recipe here.)
3. labushka and i are starting up a new site which is where i'll most probably be migrating to. it'll be a sex site and for the time being we'll call this Project Sex until i think of a smarter stand-in name as i keep you informed about its progress (we have a proper name already, but its just so freaking awesome i don't want to unleash its full awesomeness on the world just yet).
4. good friends are family. the saddest, loneliest thing i ever heard was from pamela jooste who told me once that she never, ever confused her friends with being family and would never impose such obligations on them.
5. after having an IUD inserted i can comfortably and confidently say that i am quite suddenly a keen supporter of cesareans and horse tranquilisers.
6. chris mac and myself will be uploading some totally pointless podcasts for our amusement at some point this year. you might find it amusing also.
7. mr hardman will be making an entry into the columns. this will be interesting.
8. i quite like mark twain. anton gave my a copy of pudd'nhead wilson and those extraordinary twins a while back and i only managed to pick it up now. what fun.

anyways. so that's it. blogging will commence, though more regularly with most updates happening mondays, wednesdays and fridays (ya see now beatrice!? look what you go and make me do) and the columns will continue on W24 as per usual but with a bit of a new spin on things.

luckily mr hardman neither reads my column nor my blog, so we get to talk about him and his penis a lot.

over and out plums. i think i'm looking forward to this year.

and johnson? keep up the good work.

what the??

i love my blog tracker.

following key words that land people on my page i collect invaluable info such as when you porn suddenly enjoys a surge in interest and recently, that clone a willy is one of this season's hot christmas items.

however.

this one made me uncomfortable:

http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=nerves%20make%20me%20poo&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

nerves make me poo? why is this necessary to google?

real love is a zombie

this zombie's coming back for you, bitch

shock! horror! plums! THEY are making a remake of the crow.

boo!

in our ADD culture it seems 15 years is too long for a cult movie to quietly enjoy its status as such.

you'd think the producers would've given it a rest after a string of lame and failed retakes, the last of which was a mere four years ago. let's quickly review these gems:

1994 - the crow. the original
1996 - the crow: city of losers angels
2000 - the crow: salvation (yeah, it wished for it)
2005 - the crow: wicked prayer (in which the crow begins to look like chucky)

if there was ever a time to cash in on the dark, brooding hormonal teen thing that's going on with tweelight, true crap and new goon, it's now.

except the crow is, like, way edgier – it's dark, deep, dangerous love WITH A ZOMBIE!! and really, eric draven is like the only shagable zombie in the multiverse.

besides. fuck vampires. they're so last month. these producers are looking ahead. they're forward-thinking sonsabitches ... they're looking ahead to where the next (teen)scream is going to aim its megadecibles at.

i just love rob pattinson so fuckin' much man

you've gotta give them some credit. i just shudder to think who they're going to cast as eric. cos, for really reals now, if those assy retakes taught us anything, it was that THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE ERIC DRAVEN. and that was brandon lee, son of BRUCE LEE for godssakes. AND he died on the set of the movie. you can't get no more street cred than that.

curse of the dragon

as all the emo kids have been used up in the vamp movies/serials i've given it some thought as to who they could cast as The Draven. And these are my edgier than edgy possibilities.

ONE

jaden (will mini-me) smith
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it

a little young, but that seems to be how the market's going these days. besides, jaden is hollywood elite. and he's black. so that's edgy. and he'll totally corner the prepubescent market which is supercool for merch possibilities.

TWO

joe jonas
let me hug you to death

joe jonas (bro number two or something from the jonas brothers). this guy is packing. seriously. i've seen pictures of silver trousers that should not be printed in tweenie mags. he's bound to look good in leather. anyway. he would give the whole thing a 'good christian boy gone bad' twist. a sweet lover driven mad by revenge. it will be psychological; it will be a journey to the dark side; he'll lose his promise ring somewhere ... it will be the loss of his soul and its redemption through murder for love. or something. i think we could cast arnie as satan at the end. this is definitely a gooder.

THREE

daniel radcliffe

by the power of greyskull!

boy is DARK. he's DARKER THAN DARK. he's practically donnie for crying out loud. all those years as harry have taught dancliffe a thing or four about being broody and thinky and fightful against the powers of evil. and he got naked for equus which was cool cos they could totally put a peen shot in the poster now and get away with it. what the last crow lacked was sex. dancliffe will bring it.

FOUR

Tyra (I will bitchslap you with my eyes) Banks

seriously, my fave contender. seriously. she could be all nouvea-feminista Crow girl, scuttling all over the building rooftops in her prada heels and killing the evil ones by jabbing them in the eye with a nail or just staring really hard at them. and maybe every now and then she can strike a pose and fill the audience with a sense of awe and wonder and maybe just make them pee their pants a little bit. that's theatre folks. ty-ty would TOTALLY rock it.

anyway. that's me for monday plums. over and OUT.

clone-a-willy?

what's going on in the world today? everyone's looking to clone a willy?

surprised kitty

plums. seriously. i just can't get enough of this cat...

www.wimp.com/surprisedkitty/

postsecret pic of the week

postsecret

after the post about stupid poople that like to opine about something they're completely ignorant about, i thought this week's pspoftw would be appropriate.

it took a friend of mine 11 years in and 1 year out of an abusive relationship to realise she wasn't to blame for the broken bones.



in lyall watson's dark nature, he has this fabulous quote:

Nemo repente fuit turpissimus - Juvenal (Decimus Junius Juvenal)

Nobody ever became depraved all at once.

It's the same with being abused. It is a slow process of manipulation and emotional blackmail that eventually becomes violence supported by manipulation and emotional blackmail.

anyway. happy monday morning poppits. thanks for all your emails. you be rocking as always.

expose yourself and reader comments to cringe by

Sex columnist Dorothy Black poses in the buff (sort of) and thinks you should too

I spent the better half of Saturday afternoon on the floor of my bedroom. I’d created a makeshift studio of bedspread and mirrors for a little project I’d been challenged to take on by one of my readers:

Hey dorothy, thought you might like this site: http://gonewild.reddit.com. Take a look, maybe take part. I'm on there...

Read more...

sadly no comments to laugh by in this column - unless you consider anne S, some weird little poopl that rants and raves and gives her/himself an ulcer on every 24 column.

where i did find a disturbing comment was on sam's column regarding abuse against women and children, 16 days of activism and what men are doing to start the discussion among themselves.

as usual there was the regular BS where readers aren't actually READING as much as they are picking up key words and personalising the issue beyond measure...

whatever

the point of concern was THIS comment (there might've been others but i gave up following the convo).

@samwilson 11/25/2009 1:00:13 PM

I see you are the editor-in-chief of Women24 as well. you say things like this in this article and then on Women24 you put up an article 'Expose yourself' which is about women who is positive about posing naked. How do you bring that together.

Dear stupid person no.56 700 000

If woman A is pro porn, pro exhibitionism, pro BDSM, pro prostitution and just generally pro sex in general it does not mean she is pro violence. It does not mean she is open to being emotionally abused, beaten, raped or murdered.

But a more interesting fact for you might be that there is no precedent or reason needed for an abuser to abuse or violate. In this case, the woman doesn't have to 'wear a short skirt' or 'act like a slut'. The child doesn't have to be naughty or 'suggestive'.

Victims or survivors are not asking for it. Abusers just like to dish it out anyway.

fuck man. oao plums. this shit pisses me off.

this is from rageagainstthemanchine (thanks lili):

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime — no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

postsecret pic of the week and i love the christmas in my head

postsecret

plums. the fob has passed. i honestly don't know what came over me.

i was blogging from an igoogle widget – that's how much i couldn't bring myself to be here.

what happened? i do not know. BUT, hurrah for me my lovelies, i am feeling better.

anyway.

this is my favourite postsecret this week. i love it because apart from loving song and dance musicals i also love love LOVE christmas carols. they make me happy. especially the nat king cole and bing crosby ones. don't judge me. it's better than having a fetish for poking dead puppies with screwdrivers.

or something.

it was either jesus or father christmas. the choice was easily made.

ANY.WAY.

LOVE this movie.

i totally bought into the hollywood christmas. but sort of new york style. like woody allen houses and barbra streisand grandeur with a little bit of billy joel blues for the cool people.

like a norman rockwell painting for the 50s inspired by the 80s sense of romance.

with a touch of enchantment courtesy of the nutcracker imagery and music.

just magic.

i should leave this alone hey? oh well, here's a parting shot...

pic by istock in case you were wondering

stargazing

it's just been one of those weeks my plums. back in force on monday. i've been avoiding the blog. i don't know why. i've developed some sort of fear of it. haven't even checked the stats. i shall call it FOB - fear of blogging.
oao

is anybody out there?

the eagle maketh a funny sound

urm

note to self: enough with the bad stuff already

in hiding

will be back shortly.

postsecret pic of the week

postsecret

poke poke

no offence plums, but for really reals now, most News24 readers are so fucking easy to rile it makes me squirm.

now i've had my little squeal about how tired some writers can be when it comes to sucking a story out of the ether, but. my. fuck.

how easy is it to get the jizz on with a few choice topics that no one in SA seems to get tired of?

it was confirmed again today that to get people to click click click and spout spout spout completely unrelated bile, writers don't have to say anything particularly interesting or in any particularly well-written way.

you just have to pick the right topic.

an emailic rant with cm.

me: just a little rant. why o WHY WHY WHY is this airhead - who get's paid for her shitty columns on XXXXX - writing this drivel about sex and getting news24 exposure??
cm: that was WAY too short!
me: and way too stupid no? and XXXXX person at least TRY and make it applicable to your 'oeuvre'
cm: yes, extremely coy, too - but still the morons respond anyway - as if it had been a proper column...
me: exactly - which makes me totally feel like it doesn't matter WHAT you write. in fact, next blog post on that...
cm: you may have a point. I wonder how they'd respond if I wrote a column that just said:
There is no God. Go.
Would probably get hundreds of comments
me: WHAHAHA - that's exactly what i mean. all columns could just read:
god is a woman. GO!
homos are better than heteros. GO!
Allah took it up the arse. GO!
Afrikaaners should leave the country. GO!
Black people can't swim (or drive). GO!
women belong in the kitchen. GO! ... oh wait, actually that one might get the least comments as that is the least contested across all cultures in SA.
cm: yup - now if only we could get the editors to do it. Maybe sign up for a user account, do something like that and see what happens...

so. for my next column, i shall simply write: white christian south african men like to take it up the arse (and black people can't drive).

and i'll get a million million comments and hits.

me bitter? never.



oao plums. it's weekend. i'm deflated. when will i be famous? where is my grouse? why do fairies die? AND WILL SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THAT FUCKING BANGING.

it's my blog and i'll rant if i want to.

hot or not

people can poo poo beautifulpeople.com (the dating site that only accepts beautiful people) as being superficial and kak as much as they like, but at least its honest.

(and, really, they only confirmed what we all knew about the brits anyway)